Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
