I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
