She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Shame - the story of my life.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
