smell my finger.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
