we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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