Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
