It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
