somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So vagazzling was a success
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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