I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I supernannyed him into submission
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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