The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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