I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
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It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
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You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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