so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
