who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
