I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
it was like eating out sand paper
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
