As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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