Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
