Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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