I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
