I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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