i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
