halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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