I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
