I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
