guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
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I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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