They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
