i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
