If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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