i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
