his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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