im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
