I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
