home. puking in laundry basket.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
