Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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