Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
