You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
