It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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