Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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