I wish I could teleport
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
