All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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