I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
