I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
