My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
