i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
