If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
All I want is dick and wine.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
