Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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