In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
