Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
