Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
