he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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