don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
