Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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