i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just invented taco cereal.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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