Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
