So drunk its hurt
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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