woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
