life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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