i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
