I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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